Friday, July 07, 2006

Reporting from Hyderabad. Deepu. For LPTV.

Hi, i am Deepu from Loose Pants Television Network famously known as LPTV. The last one month has been very busy for us at LPTV, for we have been doing extensive research on an outbreak of a deadly viral fever called 'Chickun (or chicken??) Guniya'. (Please go through the link to believe it).Immediately after we came to know of this we sent our special correspondent PSR Chaitanya and a freelancer Abhay krishna to Hyderabad where this fever has seen a rise in the past three weeks.

PSR who was making a story on 'We don't have to cry anymore- There's hair transplantation' ,a documentary for people like him who believe in -'The more hair you loose ,the more head you get' has left his dear project to work on this very serious issue- 'The outbreak of Chi kun Guniya- What and Why?'. Abhay, a freelancer, who has been busy doing a report on a multi national company called “ORGy”, rushed from ‘Hi-Tech city’ (where he was doin his report) to capture the essence of this “Chicken-mania”. Oh, by the way, “ORGy” is trying to address the problem of weight-gain and “excessive flab” which is escalating in the “software professionals” community. The heads of the company in an interview have said that they are shortly going to release a product called “Sexy-Flex”, a device which any software professional can use to lose the excess flab and weight while he’s watching porn on his PC.

Now lets get down to our subject 'The outbreak of Chi kun Guniya- What and Why?'.

Chicken guniya: Legend has it that the first incidence of this fever was found in 1755AD in a small village near Nasik ,when a sex-starved guy was affected by this kind of fever.The patient suffered from severe joint pains and had high temperature of about ...actually we couldn't find out the exact temperature. But yes, he did suffer from high fever for about a week. (atleast PSR says so). People in the village assumed that it happened because the guy indulged in acts of physical intimacy (or bluntly ,sex) with a chicken. People called it 'Chicken Guna' , guna here meaning 'sin' , cos they thought it was wrong (They weren't metrosexuals , were they???:P). South indians in the village,ya those two gultis and the mallu girl got the name wrong and started calling it 'chikun guniya'. Slowly 'Chiken guna' became 'Chickun guniya'

So nearly two and a half centuries later we are again getting to hear about 'Chikun guniya'. While PSR was doing his research at his place in Hyderabad , Abhay was on the streets ,talking to the general people in Hyderabad about the awareness of the disease and so forth. After interviewing about 143 people this is what we had:

The name 'Chicken Guniya' was no more used by the Hyderabadi people, especially the ones from the old city area .Instead ,people near Quthbullapur called it 'Chicken Dhuniya' because rumours spread that customers of 'Chicken Dhuniya' - the biggest chicken centre in that area were the ones affected by this fever. The poor guy Sayeed bhai had to shut his shop down.

Here is one of the conversations we overheard:

Friend:Tera chicken dhuniya kaisa hey bey.
Guniya patient:Kya bataoon yaar. Maa ki kirikiri, bahut dard dera baap.aage, peeche, poora baap.

Supposedly this rumour was spread by a house wife in the same area named supraja* for reasons not known to Sayeed bhai. Sayeed Bhai wanted his revenge; so did extensive research to find out the motive behind the rumour. He eventually found out the real reason and we don't exactly know what he did ,but two days later people in and arounf Quthbullapur and Saidabad started calling it 'Chicken Dhaniya'. So, what did he do????

Abhay dug deep into the matter and figured out that supraja, a self proclaimed international chef was very famous for her 'Dhaniya Chicken' receipe and so set up a small chicken shop beside her house. So who ever bought chicken from her shop and paid 10 bugs extra would get a free receipe of 'Dhaniya chicken'. Now you get the connect, right????

Dhuniya to Dhaniya. So lets go all over the dialogue again.

Friend:Tera chicken dhaniya kaisa hey bey.
Guniya patient: Kya bataoon yaar. Mast hota bolke laya re. 10 rupaiye jyadha li baap."ek kilo do" bole tho, "accha hoga bolke 2 kilo lelo. phir nahi milega" bolke dhi baap. Ab dekh kya hua. Uski tho.....

Abhay’s dad has an attender who too thinks that it’s “Chicken Dhaniya”. Here are excerpts from a conversation between him and Abhay’s dad.

Dad: Arey Jowahar, kal nahin aaye kya jee ! dumma kaiku mare??
Jowahar : kya bolon saab, biwi subah uthke boli mere ko “chicken-dhaniya” hai, bachon ko school leke jao aur khana banao. Khana bana bana ke laghta hai mere ko bhi “Chicken dhaniya” ho gaya, pura joint-joint dard kar ra !!!!

With pandemonium reigning supreme in Quthbullapur and Saidabad, Abhay spoke to people from the ‘old city’, the most literate part of Hyderabad (pun intended), who are not ready to accept that a chicken can do any “guna” (sin). They strongly believe that the chicken was made by the Almighty to serve as food to mankind, not to commit sins like adultery (that too with members of another species).They won't accept any name starting with chicken and ending with anything else other than biryani.They will call it 'Chicken Biryani' no matter what. PSR came across a guy who said: "Dhuniya kuch bhi bolne dho, hum tho chicken Biryani hi bolenge.Duniya main chicken ka ek hi ho sakta hain.Chicken Biryani"

Youngsters from the more "hippy" parts of the city (read Yo Yo guys) have been calling it “Chick hi duniya”. Apparently, these guys got sick as soon as they got a wink from a hot chick and started screaming “This chick is my world”. Looking at the actual causes of the disease, they may be totally off target, but this excuse has worked miracles in front of their parents who have readily agreed to give ‘em all the money they want to pursue their “chick” so as to get cured. Silly, isn’t it !

Friend:Hey dood! how'z your chick hi somethin??
Guniya patient: Yo yo man!! It hurts in the arse maaan.Yo!

Calling it “Chicken Dhun-iya”, there have also been reports of some tech savvy people contracting this disease by receiving phone calls on GSM mobile phones; they seem to have heard a “cock-a-doodle-doo” tune from the other side, but these reports are yet to be confirmed. All Reliance users have been cautioned to not download any ringtones with the words “Chick” or “Dhun” in them , for the fear of getting this dreaded disease.

While their research almost came to an end, PSR found a good deal when a doctor in Hyderabad offered him an Hair Transplant for Rs 6 a follicle instead of the usual RS 26 per follicle . So, he left the research midway for his surgery.Meanwhile Abhay is back to Hi-tech city unraveling the mysteries of "Sexy -Flex.".Both of them had an important warning for all the readers here. People who fail to comment in their blogs from now on will contract Chickun Biryani err Dhuniya err Dhaniya err ya, Guniya.So, people go flood in the comments while i Deepu will take your leave.

(*)-Names changed

Co-authored (mostly) by PSR and (a little) by Abhay. Visit Abhay's blog.


Deepu said...

Bhenki.. didnt read the post yet.. but seeing the heading.. kya kara rey tune..

Now i have become an avenger.. eh ?

lathishdavinci said...

kya mama...
how can i forget you boss??so hws life there in student paradise??
neways..incredible post da..
keep up the gr8 work da..

Rahul said...

yeiiiiii if a chicken could read this one it would die of ecstacy :D. hahaha nice ones

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