Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Why do good girls fall for ...??

Bullshit!Thud!!PhatakKK!!! Wait a moment.. let me throw these glass pieces out. The second one i broke in the last half an hour......All these days like a total idiot I assumed
gals fall for affable, suave, moderate guys and what happened today: I have come to know that one more gal in my best gals list is now committed to that guy in my biggest jerk list. Ya, the same guy we used to call "Mysore Banda " in school. I don't have a problem with his excessive flab or his ugly crocadile hair cut. I hate him for what he is : a jerk in every sense of the word. One more reason to hate him. I lose my 100 bucks.Oh yes!! i did bet on his getting kicked.Royally!. Afterall i thought the gal was one of the brainiest i met .Now i have my doubts. Did any research in recent times conclude -" As good looking , apparently-wise gals grow older, their brains shrink." If there is one like that, it must be right.

Back to this guy.Lets call him "Banda" hereafter. It is because of these guys like Banda that guys like me : single, sincere and desperate don't stand a chance.We can't fake that "hey baby" accent.We can't send ugly SMS's like "This sms can only be read by someone SEXY" followed by this one "he he..nice one no??" and then the gal replies "Ya wonderful!! Brilliant . How Creative . I loved it". Aaha..

I see so many such guys around . In the cinema halls, parties and in the malls. I keep an eye on them from a distance and i just keep hoping this happens --

VVRZOOOM BANGGGG...a fighter plane comes crashing down on him before he introduces himself to the gal. Then i go running , jump into the flames and i finally save the gal. The gal is in my arms ..I look at her , she looks at me. The fire fighters are spraying water over us. Both of us are all drenched up and it's time for that rain song- "patti rap".

Err ..was patti rap a rain song?? Who cares. Can i make it anymore obvious. You know both of us would live happily ever after . 'Everafter' can mean 5 minutes right??
I open my eyes only to realise ;the gal and that jerk are on their first date already.Ohh... not again. It felt as if the plane had deviated its path and shot into my butt. ouch!!

I honestly feel guys like these must be sold off to countries like Iran. Afterall the oil prices are on a rise and we need to do something about it. Come on Mr. Minister !! sell them off . "Jerks for Oil" it must read. Hey Gals; you need guys like us, who won't see another gal while on a date with you unless; the other gal is very fair, wearing a very short dress and has a beautiful smile. In short we wont look at another gal unless she looks better or unless we feel we have been with you for as long as two semesters. We promise we will be your friend, guide ,mentor,computer and hunter. Hey! how bout this line. " Madam. i wanna be your Bryan Adam." Nice one na??. I can hear someone saying this one was worse than the SMS. No!! It was not . It was so original and spontaneous. Some guys here have it in them. Lines come naturally to them.:P

Okk!! let me cut this off here. Wouldn't it be nice if we had more spirit here. I am sorry if i offended anyone. Especially those jerks. I was really disturbed today and i even had to break my resolution not to write a blog for the next few weeks, to vent my frustation. And all you Bandas, i am even more sorry for having thought of hurting you. I felt like blasting your head off with my cricket bat. It should have been a hammer and i should have done it.Someone!! Please kill them with kindness. :P.

Update: Had to change the post's title because our college's super-blocker-firewall was denying access to the word "Jerks". I suggest we take inspiration from these firewalls. :P

Tuesday, July 11, 2006


I was doing a little bit of trivia research and wanted to see the Apple '1984' Macintosh launch ad. I came across this video on youtube. Though not the original one but this one supposedly was digitally altered by Apple and was released in 2004 to commemorate 20 years of Macintosh.You will find a small but significant change in the ad. Watch it and see if you can catch the difference. For all who haven't seen the ad before,this ad was originally made in 1984. The change is actually very conspicuous. You will enjoy the difference. So, go ahead and watch it.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Reporting from Hyderabad. Deepu. For LPTV.

Hi, i am Deepu from Loose Pants Television Network famously known as LPTV. The last one month has been very busy for us at LPTV, for we have been doing extensive research on an outbreak of a deadly viral fever called 'Chickun (or chicken??) Guniya'. (Please go through the link to believe it).Immediately after we came to know of this we sent our special correspondent PSR Chaitanya and a freelancer Abhay krishna to Hyderabad where this fever has seen a rise in the past three weeks.

PSR who was making a story on 'We don't have to cry anymore- There's hair transplantation' ,a documentary for people like him who believe in -'The more hair you loose ,the more head you get' has left his dear project to work on this very serious issue- 'The outbreak of Chi kun Guniya- What and Why?'. Abhay, a freelancer, who has been busy doing a report on a multi national company called “ORGy”, rushed from ‘Hi-Tech city’ (where he was doin his report) to capture the essence of this “Chicken-mania”. Oh, by the way, “ORGy” is trying to address the problem of weight-gain and “excessive flab” which is escalating in the “software professionals” community. The heads of the company in an interview have said that they are shortly going to release a product called “Sexy-Flex”, a device which any software professional can use to lose the excess flab and weight while he’s watching porn on his PC.

Now lets get down to our subject 'The outbreak of Chi kun Guniya- What and Why?'.

Chicken guniya: Legend has it that the first incidence of this fever was found in 1755AD in a small village near Nasik ,when a sex-starved guy was affected by this kind of fever.The patient suffered from severe joint pains and had high temperature of about ...actually we couldn't find out the exact temperature. But yes, he did suffer from high fever for about a week. (atleast PSR says so). People in the village assumed that it happened because the guy indulged in acts of physical intimacy (or bluntly ,sex) with a chicken. People called it 'Chicken Guna' , guna here meaning 'sin' , cos they thought it was wrong (They weren't metrosexuals , were they???:P). South indians in the village,ya those two gultis and the mallu girl got the name wrong and started calling it 'chikun guniya'. Slowly 'Chiken guna' became 'Chickun guniya'

So nearly two and a half centuries later we are again getting to hear about 'Chikun guniya'. While PSR was doing his research at his place in Hyderabad , Abhay was on the streets ,talking to the general people in Hyderabad about the awareness of the disease and so forth. After interviewing about 143 people this is what we had:

The name 'Chicken Guniya' was no more used by the Hyderabadi people, especially the ones from the old city area .Instead ,people near Quthbullapur called it 'Chicken Dhuniya' because rumours spread that customers of 'Chicken Dhuniya' - the biggest chicken centre in that area were the ones affected by this fever. The poor guy Sayeed bhai had to shut his shop down.

Here is one of the conversations we overheard:

Friend:Tera chicken dhuniya kaisa hey bey.
Guniya patient:Kya bataoon yaar. Maa ki kirikiri, bahut dard dera baap.aage, peeche, poora baap.

Supposedly this rumour was spread by a house wife in the same area named supraja* for reasons not known to Sayeed bhai. Sayeed Bhai wanted his revenge; so did extensive research to find out the motive behind the rumour. He eventually found out the real reason and we don't exactly know what he did ,but two days later people in and arounf Quthbullapur and Saidabad started calling it 'Chicken Dhaniya'. So, what did he do????

Abhay dug deep into the matter and figured out that supraja, a self proclaimed international chef was very famous for her 'Dhaniya Chicken' receipe and so set up a small chicken shop beside her house. So who ever bought chicken from her shop and paid 10 bugs extra would get a free receipe of 'Dhaniya chicken'. Now you get the connect, right????

Dhuniya to Dhaniya. So lets go all over the dialogue again.

Friend:Tera chicken dhaniya kaisa hey bey.
Guniya patient: Kya bataoon yaar. Mast hota bolke laya re. 10 rupaiye jyadha li baap."ek kilo do" bole tho, "accha hoga bolke 2 kilo lelo. phir nahi milega" bolke dhi baap. Ab dekh kya hua. Uski tho.....

Abhay’s dad has an attender who too thinks that it’s “Chicken Dhaniya”. Here are excerpts from a conversation between him and Abhay’s dad.

Dad: Arey Jowahar, kal nahin aaye kya jee ! dumma kaiku mare??
Jowahar : kya bolon saab, biwi subah uthke boli mere ko “chicken-dhaniya” hai, bachon ko school leke jao aur khana banao. Khana bana bana ke laghta hai mere ko bhi “Chicken dhaniya” ho gaya, pura joint-joint dard kar ra !!!!

With pandemonium reigning supreme in Quthbullapur and Saidabad, Abhay spoke to people from the ‘old city’, the most literate part of Hyderabad (pun intended), who are not ready to accept that a chicken can do any “guna” (sin). They strongly believe that the chicken was made by the Almighty to serve as food to mankind, not to commit sins like adultery (that too with members of another species).They won't accept any name starting with chicken and ending with anything else other than biryani.They will call it 'Chicken Biryani' no matter what. PSR came across a guy who said: "Dhuniya kuch bhi bolne dho, hum tho chicken Biryani hi bolenge.Duniya main chicken ka ek hi ho sakta hain.Chicken Biryani"

Youngsters from the more "hippy" parts of the city (read Yo Yo guys) have been calling it “Chick hi duniya”. Apparently, these guys got sick as soon as they got a wink from a hot chick and started screaming “This chick is my world”. Looking at the actual causes of the disease, they may be totally off target, but this excuse has worked miracles in front of their parents who have readily agreed to give ‘em all the money they want to pursue their “chick” so as to get cured. Silly, isn’t it !

Friend:Hey dood! how'z your chick hi somethin??
Guniya patient: Yo yo man!! It hurts in the arse maaan.Yo!

Calling it “Chicken Dhun-iya”, there have also been reports of some tech savvy people contracting this disease by receiving phone calls on GSM mobile phones; they seem to have heard a “cock-a-doodle-doo” tune from the other side, but these reports are yet to be confirmed. All Reliance users have been cautioned to not download any ringtones with the words “Chick” or “Dhun” in them , for the fear of getting this dreaded disease.

While their research almost came to an end, PSR found a good deal when a doctor in Hyderabad offered him an Hair Transplant for Rs 6 a follicle instead of the usual RS 26 per follicle . So, he left the research midway for his surgery.Meanwhile Abhay is back to Hi-tech city unraveling the mysteries of "Sexy -Flex.".Both of them had an important warning for all the readers here. People who fail to comment in their blogs from now on will contract Chickun Biryani err Dhuniya err Dhaniya err ya, Guniya.So, people go flood in the comments while i Deepu will take your leave.

(*)-Names changed

Co-authored (mostly) by PSR and (a little) by Abhay. Visit Abhay's blog.